A letter to my eating disorder

Hello, my new companion. I have come to get to know you so well over the last year. I don’t want you here, but I guess you are here to accompany me for a little while. Maybe, you are even here to stay. Somehow I invited you here, but had I known what baggage you would bring into my life, I would have shut the door at the first sight of you. But I wanted you here, for reasons I am yet to discover. You have made my life harder than anything I have ever experienced before: you made me feel isolated, lose trust in myself and experience physical and emotional pain. You also provided me with a sense of control, and even though it kills me to say, I enjoyed it, which is why I wanted you here. But only for a while. It was a love-hate relationship, an abusive behavior I have long believed I did to myself. But more importantly, I also stopped doing it. When I reached rock-bottom, I decided that I wanted more for me, more for my life. I am the narrator of my story and while I don’t get to decide everything, I do get to decide this: I am taking back the power and responsibility over my life. In the battle between pressure and expectations, I chose myself. I chose to let go of everything which no longer serves me and limit my thoughts and input to only the positive, to the best of my ability. I have struggled with this in the past, but I think I have found some positive aspects within you: you thought me the power of thoughts and how important it is to take care of myself. I learned that sometimes, some things only become a problem after it is made one and I now know mechanisms to identify the things I don’t value.

I am learning to live with you. You cause a conflict within myself that I try to resolve daily, and sometimes it works better than other times. But no matter what, I always survive. Even the bad days end, despite it never feeling like it at the time. I have to accept that you are a part of me now. I am grieving who I was before you and learning to live with you in the after. Even though I wish I could simply eliminate you from my life, I have learned that this is not how it works.  So I will welcome you on the team, not because I want to but because I have realized that I need to: I learned that I have to look at the dark spaces instead of running away from them. They become less scary and lose their frightening force the more I look and understand them. I am trying to get to know myself again with you on board. But this time, I am not giving in to you – I will follow myself and my intuition instead.

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